Results day!

Hello :) 

So I finally received my n level results today and it was okay for me, I'm contented :) so at the start when we were at the LT and the top 4 were announced with scores like 6/7/8 and my name wasn't there, so I was like oh shit, no more PFP. gone. gone GOONNNEEEEEEE :( I was really nervous after that and I felt my face flushing red and it was burning hahaha. But after that our teacher said 5 people from my class qualified for PFP and MY. NAME. WAS. THE. FIRST. I WAS FREAKING ELATED OVERJOYED ECSTATIC AND ALL. I LITERALLY JUST SCREAMED but figured I looked rly weird doing that so I controlled and maintained my happiness in me that was overflowing hahahahahahahahahahahaha but I did tear though, AHHH it's so indescribable, it's like you thought something was gone and it just happens in a reversal. Hehe it feels good! And what's worse was I had a dream that was like a nightmare bc I dreamt that I got 27 points LIKE WHAT THE. My mind was totally screwing me up so I woke up feeling like shit and got butterflies in my stomach for so longggg. 

But anyway, I shouldn't be complaining about how I didn't achieve my goal because it's already good enough. All I'm worried about is whether I'll get through to PFP or not. It's like...my score is at the max requirement so I guess it's a smaller chance??? :( and only top 10% and stuff gets through I think. But well it's all part of God's plans. 

Really not looking forward to going back to school :( gonna be damn lonely without banana that decided to abandon me :(((((((((((((((( argh it's like a few weeks more of sec 5 before I can actually apply for PFP and get the results. 

Idk, all I can do is wait and see what happens...as much as I dread school. 

s c h o o l

So basically it's 2 weeks till the first paper. I'm not ready and I must start studying already. And so, school. I hate school. I can't emphasise on how much I hate school. The people are the main reason lol. It's like idk how to describe but everyone just becomes so annoying at some point in time. Like okay, if you find annoying me fun then good for you but can you have some limits. It's not even funny when you're all rude and you just say things like they mean nothing to you. WELL, it may mean nothing to you but it makes me damn annoyed so can u just shut up and don't talk to me if you're gonna be like that bc I'm just gonna ignore u if this happens again. Seriously like there's a limit. AND A LINE ____________ WHICH U HAVE CROSSED. and I just feel like so many people in school are so fake. they act so nice when they're in front of you but the fact is they actually hate you. Lol idgi can't y'all just hate and don't act, it's better that way. 

I don't feel like I'm treated with respect in school and I seriously hate school. HATE is a strong word but it's just right to describe school for me. It's like hell. I can't even start with describing bc it's already beyond words lol. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even still so patient with these people and give them respect when they don't even deserve it bc they don't give me back the respect I deserve. 

Annoying people. I know I'm not very likeable at times but at least I don't pretend I like someone when I don't. And at least I won't backstab people who treats me like their friend. Ha, seems like you can't survive in this world without being fake. Which is sad. So many fakes idk who's really my friend anymore.

24/7/13

My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.
I see the things You do through me as great things I have done. And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take me and hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged, knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job. For who am I to serve You?I know I don't deserve You. And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

Chorus*
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."
You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey You
by giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up, when I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory, how far will forgiveness abounds?"
And you answer: " My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace."

Yes Lord, you're my daily sufficient grace.

So, today I had my history and CL paper 1 prelims and it was quite ok except for the part of history's section b question 2b lol i died i didn't know my ans cos whatever i studied didn't get tested thus limited knowledge haha. Did my SS, emath paper 1, both english papers, CL p1 and history alr! All glory to God because I actually remembered all that was necessary for my SS paper :) Wouldn't have done it without God, really.

55 DAYS TO N-LEVELS!!!!!!11!1!!1!!!

Siao liao no time no time no time. Have been so busy drowning in books these days that I don't even have time to swim :(((((((( So, F&N paper coming soon and i have to start studying for it, if not panic on sunday = die hahahaha.

Currently, i feel like my class is actually bonding......is it just me? But anyway it's good, i guess. LOL. Seriously i haven't been in a class where everyone hates each other before and it's interesting but it sucks lol there isn't the class spirit there and it's just so mehhhh when i go to school cos there isn't that fun and excitement to look forward to.

Excited for more in my life with God's wonderful plan! :)

Time flies

Hey! 

So these past few months have really been a roller coaster. It's crazy, scary yet fun. The ups and downs are like so tiring I thought I was gonna die. From may till now, many things have been going on in my head and I can't seem to sort out what I'm really feeling. My friends have changed, my attitude towards my studies have changed, my cell changed, my life changed quite a lot in just 2/3 months. It's amazing. Things changed for the better, I guess. Generally, I'm so contented with my life now and with the people around me. There may not be as many close friends as I used to have, but I still feel as happy, or, even happier than I was. 

Starting with may, since I haven't blogged in a looooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggg time, I was all slacking and giving no bother to the MYEs, till I got my results and then I realised I can't be getting such results for N levels. Guess what, my goal for N levels is 8 points.....LOL. I find it possible yet so impossible hahaha. It's like I'm aiming for English, Chinese, F&N and CH for an A1, and emath B3 but if I can improve within these 2 months till I'm so good at it, I figured I can actually score just 5 points. I must MUST MUSTTTT achieve my PFP goal. Can't imagine myself going through another year of sec school. So sick of it as much as I'll miss it next time. Overall, May was crap, many things happened, lame things lol. I can't even figure out anymore. Well, I got over it. 

June, HOLIDAYS!!! 

It was great, splendid, awesome, a blast, amazing and super fun!!! Went to tioman on the 14th-17th (I think) and stayed over at jannah's house for an extra night. It was so super fun, tioman is so beautiful! The clear seas, the fishes, the dirty and tiring jungle trekking, snorkelling, thrilling boat rides, breakfast by the beach, it was great. Life was so peaceful. I wish I could stay there for a longer period of time. For some reason, the swimming pool there was so fun HAHAHA though it was an ordinary pool. After the tioman trip, on the 22nd, I went to malacca for a short trip and it was fun! Food, shopping and movie! I forgot what I did on the first two weeks of the holidays HAHAHA but well this holiday was well spent. Went out with my friends quite a number of times, shopping, bonding, getting to know each other better, it was fun! So fun! I couldn't be more thankful. 

July, this month. 

It's crazy, it's gonna be stressful, boring and tiring. Prelims are next week and yet I'm just too lazy to start studying for SS. Seriously SS is so boring and content heavy :( Still, I gotta get it done over the weekends and stuff and the content into my brain. Did my English N level oral on Tuesday and I guess it was kinda good? Probably the best oral I've done in my life, hahaha. Hope I do well though. I was so nervous my heart was pounding like mad like 999999999999999km/h and I couldn't read properly but still managed to calm down after awhile LOL. Hope I didn't sound too nervous!!! Anyway, it's over. And just wanna thank God for all He has done for me, His plans are so amazing, His works are beautiful, I just can't get enough. He answered my prayers and that joy you get when you know your prayer is answered is like, YES!! THANK YOU LORD!! Hahaha. 

Keeping that aside, I have this resentment towards some things and I really hate to feel this anger and frustration in me. It's a terrible feeling and I wanna stop feeling this way but I just can't not think about it. I hope I can stop being so negative soon. It's tiresome. 

The sunset we saw while we were otw back to JB and while I was avoiding cats.......

Got so much closer to banana the last holiday and I'm more than thankful for all the fun times and hilarious moments together. :)))) 

Gotta focus on studying for just another 2 months++. LET'S GOOOOOOOO. 

K bye :) 

60 days left till N level's first paper. 

21/4/13

Pretty much feeling like crap these days. I feel like I get replaced by people so very super duper easily. Which I guess is true. So much has happened since then but it's not like I can directly voice out my feelings lol. My ss exam is tmr and yet my brain isn't sucking in anything, useless much. Boo :( just gonna study in class tomorrow then, and pray that it'll all be good.

I need a friend. A best friend. Seriously. I need someone who can hear my rants all day long but yet not judge me but instead can relate to me. I need someone who has a similar profile like me so that we can understand each other. I need a listener. I need a friend that assures me I'm her friend and I'm treasured. I need a friend who doesn't get angry easily bc of my attitude but instead, understands why I'm like that. This sounds like a boyfriend la but no I want a friend. A best friend to come into my life and I'm waiting for God to show me who it is and let me meet him/her.

There's a lot going on in my mind. I need rest. I need a break from school because whatever's going on in school now is not what I'm enjoying. Sigh. So lost in my own world. My heart is in a twirl and I need to untangle it. No one seems to care about how I feel before they do something lol. Which I am super disappointed and some people doesn't even think about how I feel rather than how they feel and just doing as they like. So many fakes in my life now I need to remove these people but I have to love them at the same time because we're all God's people. Which is so difficult. :-( God please help me.

27/3/13

Today was a good day in band and stuff so I'm actually quite happy but what's disturbing/discouraging/affecting me is the people I invited to my church. I mean it's ok if you can't make it for your whatever reasons but if you agree to go already then don't like back out eh. Cause srsly it takes me SUPER A LOT of courage to even ask you to attend my church service. But it always comes to me like "yay it's gonna be so fun this coming day coz I'm going with my friends" but in my mind I know that plans get screwed up with expectations. Idk why but let's go with the flow. I mean it's not just to particularly one person or what but as a whole this is saddening to me.

And in all seriousness as to why I feel like blogging today is cos I feel the need to express my thoughts if not bottling this up will only kill me.

I feel like I just need God to send me this friend that is gonna be like my sister. I need someone to come to my mind to talk to whenever I'm troubled. I need someone to show me that I'm appreciated, seriously that's like something I've never been told. Even though people might write cards to me telling me like how much of a good friend I am, it doesn't make me feel that much of like "you're an important friend to me" kinda thing.. I need a friend to hang out with me to spend quality time together and to share what happened today. I have had so many friends I thought I'd be close to and was close to, but it always ends up as us not talking anymore just a hi-bye when we walk pass or worse, we don't even look at each other anymore lol. It's sad....am I boring to talk to, am I a bad friend or are most people like that? Like one moment they're so interested in talking to you/making friends with you but after awhile, they just abandon you

It's a shame.

Heartfelt words

So hi :)

Didn't attend school today tho it's my mye F&N cos I was having a fever and now a flu :-( stupid la always fall sick at wrong timings!!! And so I just had my dinner and I chanced upon talking to my grandma again.

Why can't adults be more sensible? They teach us to be respectful but they don't even reap what they sow. Seriously some of them always contradict themselves. Lol. I just hope I had the rights to be telling them how to act bc if I did, they'd be saying "you're just a kid, be respectful and don't be rude to your elders" come on who's the one being rude now. Can grandma prevent the mosquitoes from flying in? Can she prevent a fever for happening? No. I'm seriously disappointed in the way my family acts sometimes. They don't even appreciate what my grandma does but instead take it for granted. She's not young anymore, she's 60+ years of age. It breaks my heart to see her ranting to me about how she feels that some of her children are not filial. I understand. It's just like how we feel like when we think that our parents don't love us nor care about us.

Just put yourself in those elders' shoes, how'd you feel if your children, in the future, talks this way to you, doesn't care about you and act rudely towards you?please, adults need to understand that I they don't reap what they sow, the younger ones are not going to listen nor believe in whatever they teach us because they are not even doing it. Lead by example. I don't think I don't have the rights to be telling them this, I'm not even using a rude tone. It's just the way they'd view this but I'm only gonna voice out if this happens again.

阿嬷,
谢谢你无微不至的爱
谢谢你给我一个屋顶
谢谢你每次煮的晚餐
谢谢你打扫房子
谢谢你的关怀和笑容
谢谢你为我们做了那么多的事
谢谢你每次都有想到我需要什么
谢谢你的包容
谢谢你生下一个那么好的女儿
谢谢你的教导
谢谢你给我们填饱肚子
谢谢你所为我们做的每一件事情
即使你的脚很痛，你也愿意帮我们到遥远的地方买食物，虽然你累了，你也愿意住东西给我们吃，有时你发牢骚的时候，我感到很烦而大声对你喊，但你不但没有骂我可是还很爱我，对不起。我真的感到很抱歉和遗憾，我真希望我的能力不是那么少而已。对不起我不能每个周末带你去豪华的餐馆吃午餐，对不起我不能给你燕窝补品，对不起我对你大声地喊叫，对不起我又是对你不礼貌，对不起我没有为你着想，对不起我以前把你的爱当成理所当然的，对不起我不能为你做什么，对不起我的书读得不好／不理想，对不起我没有能力出去赚钱但是我们真的不需要更多的钱，我知道有多一点钱当然是更好的，可是我们要懂得知足常乐……我不要等你以后走了才说其实我很爱你，很感谢你，很想给你美好的家庭环境。可是我还小不能出去赚钱，所以……总之，你不要担心我们的财物情况，耶稣会保佑我们和给我们所需要的。我真的真的很希望我能做得比这个还多但在这个时候可能只有那么多，我希望我结婚生孩子的时候，你还存在这，让我的孩子哄你开心和孝顺你。也许你没法看到我这个post，可是我希望你懂我的心。
爱你的孙女，雪婷。

I cried writing this lol, being so emotional right now. Do y'all know that feeling of wanting to let someone know how much you love them but you just daren't say that three simple words, "I love you."? I feel that way towards my family especially and I hate myself for not being able to say it out. I'm so thankful towards my mom and grandma, their love for me is unconditional but yet I am so rude sometimes I think I deserve to be slapped. I hope I can be more careful of my words from now on.

Study, work, money, die.

Isn't that what's happening to the world right now? Apparently, yes. Everyone's studying & working their asses off just to survive in this cruel world. What's the point of living then?

I've just finished making notes for my F&N MYE in just 3 days. Then I thought again, why am I studying? To learn? For my future? Really? Or just to compete with the people in Singapore to survive? The richer gets richer, the poorer will just get poorer. This is how harsh the reality is. You don't have the money, you live a laid back life. You have the money, go all out and play all you want. Seriously do you guys see the "motive" or "purpose" that you are created for? Do you guys ever wonder to yourself, "why am i the chosen one?" I am still looking for the answer but currently I'm living for God. To spread his word, message, love. To learn to be a God Chaser and then be more like Christ as each day passes. But sadly, I'm still living in the fighting-for-survival Singapore. Ever since I went back to church after my family backslided, my life seemed more meaningful. Though nothing much has changed practically, around me, but in me, I have definitely became more cheery and positive. My mindset towards setbacks have became more open and I got out of that small box I was living in. All these are only possible because of God, without God, we can't find the real peace in our hearts.

Some people always ask "why do my prayers never get answered?", because you don't have enough faith. You don't believe that it'll happen, or you don't even believe that there's a God. Then what for do you pray? And remember, God has a beautiful plan for all of us. Don't ever lose hope in life, if you ever do, seek Him. Regardless of your religion because all of us are precious in His eyes.

And when I actually pray/talk to God, I feel like I am actually talking to someone though He cannot be seen but I can feel his presence. It's different from people talking to themselves, it just feels different. Idk how to describe but yeah, it's just this feeling of "youcanletitallouttoGod" feel. Haha.

My point is,
If you feel tired, find peace in Him.
If you are lost, find your way in Him.
If you are sad, tell him.
If you need comfort, seek him.
If you are worried, find peace in Him.
If you are weary, find rest in Him.
If you ever feel painful, think of how Christ died on the cross, that pain is far worse than what you're going through. You think no one understands? He does.
In anything you do, good or bad, you can tell God. He will forever and always be there.

If anyone even notices, people start changing for the better once they accept Christ. And I don't ever and will never understand why people have to always scold Jesus, Christians and stuff. Like why us? Everyone seems to be aiming at Christianity lol. I never ever get it... It's unfair to God cos he died on the cross for OUR sins. Humanity is just so....I don't know how to comprehend it. You don't have to insult what others believe in, honestly. It's terribly disrespectful.

Anyways my point is, God is always there and he will sustain, provide and love us always. We will never be satisfied if we don't start being thankful for what we have. Always think of the unfortunate, stop taking things for granted because you are luckier than someone else who's fighting to even live. Every second of our life is precious because you cannot rewind back to even that second just before this.

We get to be by God's side after we leave this world. It's wonderful because in heaven, we find plenty of rest.

Distractions.

I have kinda lost hope for DPA cos of math. It has to be <3 :"""( I MORE THAN 3 MATH ALL THE TIME SERIOUSLY. sighhhhh. Yum just slurped finish my yakult hahaha. Had physics test today and I think I can pass! Though I redrew and erased the ray diagrams many many times till the paper tore LOL.

And I just felt like saying that I hate it when people pangseh me. The end.

Time to buckle my shoes.

I miss it all.

I honestly miss the times when we'd all hang out together. It was too much fun then, too many memories and jokes that it's uncountable. I miss how I'd feel so happy when my best friend would come over for Chinese lessons. 2 years ago, sadly. Haha now it's no longer this case. But life still goes on.

Even so, I still miss it. Every time I look at old photos in my phone, I immediately feel that pity that we're no longer close. Even though we're still friends, it doesn't feel the same. No longer that fun. I know I've said this countless times before but I just have to. It's not like I can do anything about it.

I miss the times when we hung out in school till 6pm doing nothing. I miss taking neoprints. I miss making fun of each other. I miss laughing like crazy assholes everywhere we go. I miss having lunch together. I miss camwhoring with y'all. I miss every single moment.

It felt like yesterday when we just became good friends in sec 1, now we're all sec 4 and friendships among ourselves are built but just not together.

I'd love to experience that fun together again. Missing that clique so bad. Now that I don't get to hang out with friends everyday after school, it sucks. I don't know what to do after school, I feel completely lost. I have friends who have their friends that they treasure more, but I'm just a lost person once school ends. It's total emptiness inside me, I don't even know who's really a friend cos it seems like I'm easily replaced. It didn't feel like that at all 2 years back, it was all "we are all in this together" thing and no one would feel really left out.

Stupid me for not treasuring it until it's gone. Forever.

Treasure before they're gone.

I just read this twit longer and I cried so emotionally over it. http://t.co/R5HyPWdb (belongs to the owner, not me). This girl is really strong and I hope she's doing well now. And that post really made me think about how I'm treating my family and I'm still tearing while I'm typing this but anyways I don't think I'm treating them right. Screaming at them when I'm angry, frustrated or sad is being so rude. I don't like screaming also but I need to have self control at times. I then also thank god my family is cancer free and that everyone of them is present in my life. I can imagine that pain when one of them leaves me/this world, I imagine myself crying nonstop and that pain is just..unbearable.

I don't ever want to lose my mom, sister, aunt or grandmother. I feel so sad everything I think of the day when either one of my family has to leave this world without me, leaving and be gone forever. Even if they're in heaven, I'd be missing them so badly. And I had this thought in my mind ever since I was a little kid, I thought "what would I ever do without my mom? I don't think I can survive on my own" I hope that when I leave this world, I will reunite with them in heaven. I hope God will be with me from the beginning till the end. I just can't imagine myself on my own after my mom goes, like we won't even know when someone will be gone. Maybe just the next second and your loved one is gone. But I guess it's human nature that we only love something and regret after something or someone's gone. Which is a really bad thing. I hope I can start treating everyone with love and care. I need to be more mature and sensible. Then I was thinking if I can leave the world before my family does then I won't have to feel the pain. Hahaha stupid thought. I've been bearing with this thought ever since I was 7, I'd realise how much I love them in that day when I had that thought, and forget about it the next.

Well, moral of the story. I thank God my family's well and good. No one has any sickness, I'm very very thankful and I hope I can keep up with my loving self and appreciative self. :)

Bye!

17/1/13

Hey :)
So today's been pretty messed. Class issues again and again :"( but I understand how he felt....I've been through it and it sucked really bad. I feel super bad for laughing, I'm sorry :\ I can imagine myself going to school everyday just waiting for people to insult me, it isn't nice at all. And to the bullies out there, stop all your shit :c

I am not perfect, no one is. So what rights do we have to judge. As the scripture says, "Do not judge so that you will not be judged." It's super true. I have to think of that verse every time before I judge someone. Everyday and everyday, I realise I'm sinning verbally. :( I wonder how God can forgive so unconditionally. He's so so so wonderful and great, I can't thank him enough.

And today, or maybe just just now, I was thinking about how I can be a good friend to many. I am always there, yes. I will listen if you need someone, I share my joy with them. But why do I still am like the ONLY ONE doing all those? My friends don't seem to care when I am down or whatsoever? Lol idk. And putting myself last, not being selfish is just difficult honestly but I will work on that. I just need someone who I know I can approach without feeling "shit what if I irritate him/her?" and knowing this person genuinely cares. Maybe not in secondary school but let's see. Praying to receive a real good and true friend.

For I believe that when you are a true friend, others can feel it and be true to you too. :)

Ending today's post with a...smile :)

Don't you worry.

Hello hello hello :)
So school was rather meh today cuz it was sooooo boring and draggy T_T and often in class, I think of random things like "what will I do if the next moment the G.O asks for me to answer a call and the call tells me somebody close to me just left me", random thoughts like these just appears and then I appreciate humanity for that couple of minutes or maybe hours sometimes thinking of it but after that, I just start to take people for granted again. I try to treat people nicely to show that I love and care for them like speaking with kind words but MANNNNN it's difficult. I am still trying and a reason why I'm doing it and showing I'm always happy is bc I wanna show everyone that when God is there living in me, I will always learn, live, laugh and love! But, my friends are stubborn negl. And continuing, I really do wonder how I will react and stuff like that.

Will I be acting like those dramatic actions like running out of school or just running into a friend's arms or whatsoever hahaha. That'd be pretty...weird. Even so, now whenever I see the people I love in school/outside/home, I give them a smile genuinely from my heart. I can honestly tell you that a smile/wave from someone can make my wholeeeee day! It means a lot, more than some people can imagine.

It's actually the same thing, like when you don't get a "hi" from someone you expect from when they walk past you, you feel disappointed. So when they "hi" you, you feel so WOW. LIFE'S GOOD. HAHAHAHAA. Or maybe it's just me :p (my body's aching like mad while typing this. ARGHHHHH. STAHP EET BODY, WHAT A BOTHER.) (i am irrelevant so skip that).

So what I usually do to show that actions speak louder than words is by probably giving letters and small things that are handmade? I loOOooOOooOoOoOOoooooove receiving letters & cards! Or even little notes :) It's super meaningful yet easy to make and you can see someone's sincerity from it! Hehe. And I feel so touched receiving handwritten stuff hahaha DO Y'ALL (those that receive letters from me) FEEL TOUCHED WHEN I GIVE Y'ALL HUH HUH HUH HUH. YOU BETTER FEEL TOUCHED OK.

IM DEAD BEAT :( goodnight. HAHA

Imperfection

Ugliness, I feel it. This problem of mine is making me lose my self esteem and self confidence. It doesn't get better day by day but instead becomes worse. What is thing exactly. I've constantly been praying and praying but it doesn't seem to be answered. What is it that I have to do? God please show me. Totally demoralised by this. I can't look at anyone into the eye cause I feel so insecure. If only, if. So many if only(s) are popping out in my mind. I feel so vexed, melancholy, frustrated and annoyed. Making me a detrimental person. Even though others have it worse, but I can't not feel bad about this and no one really understands how I feel about my situation unless they're in it. It kills your self esteem. Seriously. It's like a stupid bug that just won't go away, there's nothing anyone can do except for God. I know I have the faith and belief but something's definitely missing and I need to know what that is. God please show it to me in my dreams or something. I try to be optimistic everyday, but once I look at myself, bam, it's gone.